Maybe you’re the one who’s always taking on more and more work from your boss, even when you clearly have too much on your plate as it is.

Or maybe you choose romantic partners who are controllers, because you need the other person to be in charge.

What you can you do to break out of these patterns?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Recognize the fact that you’re a people-pleaser.  Becoming aware of it and acknowledging it is the first step.
2. People-pleasers are often times afraid of expressing themselves to others, and their feelings have been held tightly inside for long periods of time.  Start expressing your needs clearly and effectively to everyone in your life.
3. Know that confrontation is not always a bad thing.  If it’s an honest, healthy confrontation, it can lead to better communication in the future with any given person.
4. Make friends with people who don’t have dominating, controlling personalities.  These types of people can bring out the people-pleasing characteristics in all of us.
5. Keep in mind that it’s perfectly okay to disagree with other people, and most of the time they’ll respect you for being upfront about your true thoughts and feelings, rather than agreeing with them just to avoid confrontation.

-Kevin

Tell yourself you need to make it perfect!

I’m not even sure there’s such a thing as perfect.  Anything can always be improved.  So, why wait?

There’s no point on procrastinating over and over because the end result will be less than perfect.  Take action right away, then improve on the process however you can.

The need for perfection = another symptom of fear of success.

-Kevin

Guess what?  There are lots of people who are better at certain things than you and me.  You know what I say?

So what!

The only thing you need to think about in this situation is the fact that there is nobody else like you, even if they’re better at a certain skill or task.  They can’t do it the same as you.  They don’t have the same angle on it as you.

There’s no one in the world like you.  Relish that.

-Kevin

Anyway,  in the last post, I introduced the concept of avoidance behaviors. These behaviors are symptoms I experienced of my fear of success. That fear took away self discipline, which stopped me from taking any worthwhile action.

I was living in a pretty steady state of anxiety, and I was barely even aware of it.  I clung to things like minutiae, television, alcohol, and Marlboro Lights, and it was all based on my belief that I didn’t deserve to be successful.  When any sign of success reared it’s ugly head, an emotional response was created and I turned to these avoidance tactics so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

That belief that was buried deep inside of me, that I was not a successful person and never would be, caused me to shun anything that was outside that belief.  I was possessed by it, and drawn to other people and distractions with the same qualities.  I ran into the same problems over and over, like always being late and never taking action to get out of my situation at the time.  My avoidance behaviors kept me dialed into my drama.

In fact, my aversion to success was so strong that I clung to my avoidance mechanisms because I believed that they defined me as a person.  I couldn’t keep going without them.

Here are some more avoidance techniques that don’t necessarily apply to me, but they might to you:

• Working overtime at your job to avoid spending time on your goals
• Risky, life-endangering behaviors
• Compulsive eating
• Compulsive shopping
• Compulsive sexual behavior

Do any of these apply to you?  How do you deal with them?  Let everyone know in the comments.

-Kevin

1.  Cleaning our desk when we should have been making a phone call

2.  Aimlessly wandering the internet or checking email when we should have been writing a report

3.  Taking extra long breaks

Guess what?  I was guilty of all of them!  If you find yourself doing one or more of the above, don’t worry.  The first step to becoming more productive and exercising self discipline is simply to recognize these behaviors when they happen and get back to the important stuff.

-Kevin

I understand now, in hindsight, that those thoughts weren’t all completely bogus, like some of the others I had at the time.  It was pretty reasonable to assume that once I reached a certain level of success, I’d have many more tasks on my plate, more obligations, and generally more responsibilities.

Again, there was no “magic pill” I took that erased this thought from my head.  I say this again and again, but it was that simple shift in mindset that got me past it.  It was switching from negative self-talk to positive affirmations and optimism, as well as accepting who I was.  That’s what changed my mind about my ability to sustain success.  Suddenly, I felt ready for more responsibility, and that I was worthy of it.

-Kevin

Textbook fear of success.

I had all these wild thoughts about how I was going to create enemies out of everyone around me because they’d all be jealous and envious.  They’d think I was a jerk for having more money than them.  They’d think they couldn’t relate to me anymore.  They’d think I had “changed.”

Could I have been any more ego-centric?  I don’t think so.

I finally figured out that all of this was just a bunch of mental noise.  It was all in my head.  I had no idea what the people in my world would think if I achieved some success.  But, I went ahead and made a lot of guesses and assumptions, of which probably none were true.

If you’re having these same kinds of thoughts about your potential success, take a moment and ask yourself if any of your assumptions about the people in your life are actually true, or if you’re just making up excuses not to take action and build your future.

-Kevin

I mean I really loved it!

It was so easy.

During my time in L.A., I got a ton of this kind of support from my family.  When they would hear about how bad things were going for me there, the financial and emotional support came pouring in.  It felt really good.

Same thing when I moved back home.

If anything good seemed like it was going to happen to me, I was quick to nip it in the bud.  I ignored opportunities for a second job to help myself get out of debt.  I rejected offers of extra work at the job I had at the time.  And I certainly avoided starting any healthy, successful relationships with anyone.

So what was going to happen if I actually started to make good money, became a better problem solver, and was able to take care of myself?  Would anyone pay attention to me anymore?

This was pure fear of success at it’s finest (or ugliest!)  Little did I know, the success I was avoiding was the very thing my supportive family was trying to help me attain.  Once I looked inside myself and realized that they weren’t going anywhere no matter what happened, success or failure, I stopped seeking constant help from them.   I didn’t want that kind of attention anymore.

Another breakthrough in my journey past my fear of success.

Until next time,

-Kevin

In my case, I became quite comfortable with dwindling away my time, particularly after work (I clocked out at 3:30, giving me lots of time the rest of the day to be productive) and on the weekends.  Instead of using this time wisely, I roamed the internet aimlessly, and vegged in front of the t.v., accompanied by my good friend Jack Daniels…

…And I liked it that way.  It was easy not having to put any effort into anything.  I knew in the back of my mind that if I did anything worthwhile it would just lead to more work.  That’s one of the things I was afraid of.  I didn’t want more work, more responsibility, or more of anything out of life.

So what is it that made me change?

A simple shift in mindset.  I just realized it couldn’t go on like that anymore.  I wanted to make more money.  I wanted to move out of my parents’ house.  I wanted to get out of the trap I was in.  I knew that the new demands of my time would be well worth the better life that was ahead of me.  Suddenly, I got excited about having new tasks added to my schedule.

If you’re not taking action to move further ahead in your life, you need to make this same kind of change in your thinking.  For even more tips and tricks on how to make the change happen, head over to nofearofsuccess.com.

To overcoming fear of success,

-Kevin